I grew up in a household that encouraged being nice and in church on Sunday mornings, and fighting the rest of the week (or so I thought).
I loved to hear the New Testament stories. I loved to hear about Jesus the rebel, the healer, the preacher, the God.
I made sure I had someone to worship at all times, and I was always looking for some Jesus to save me.
My dad once took me to a conference to see a great poet of Romania, Nichita Stanescu, and I got his autograph, yet he didn’t save me.
I craved knowing famous people, hoping one of them would be Jesus, hoping one of them would save me.
Most priests I have known in my life became my idols immediately, most authors on self-help books became my object of worship. Dan Allender was one of them. He wrote a book called “The wounded heart”. Someone in my church asked me to read it. I liked it. Couple years later I dared to fly to Arizona to go attend a conference on sexual abuse. Dan Allender was the speaker. I came out of the conference disappointed, I hadn’t been saved. Dan Allender was just a man. I did sign up for Mars Hill Graduate school’s (now The Seattle School) e-mail list though and one day it had a link to the blog of one of their alumni, Kayce Hughlett. Kayce had a list of books that she had read that year, and I decided to read some of them, just based on how the titles resonated with me (e.g Loving what is, Leaving the saints, I need your love, is that true?, A new earth).
I’ve been reading some of these books for more than a year now, and I noticed my mind expanding its limits. I had a problem with the church’s belief that the bible is the only inspired word of God, so it was somewhat easy for me to see these books as inspired by God. Paul writes in 2 Corinthians to demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ, but he doesn’t tell you how to do it. Byron Katie does in her book “Loving what is”.
Jesus would heal people sometimes by touching them. Now I learned to heal myself by doing Reiki to myself.
I dare to be an apostate. I dare to read books I would’ve considered false teachings just a few years ago. I dare not to go to church on Sunday mornings.
I dare to save myself. I dare to free my own mind of pain.
I even dare to say that Jesus, Dan Allender, and I are one and the same. Did Jesus save me? Sure. Did Dan Allender save me? Of course he did. Did I save me? You bet I did. I am my own savior.
“Power is given only to those who dare to lower themselves and pick it up. Only one thing matters, one thing, to be able to dare.” F. Dostoyevsky