Tag Archive | spirituality

Everybody is being so nice to me

Everybody is being so nice to me. Maybe they have always been really nice to me. Maybe I’m just starting to notice it. And why wouldn’t they be? They all know I’m going to die. img_9626

How do I think he sees me

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If I  believe I’m supportive of him, I will need him to need my help.

If I believe I’m kind to him, I will need to suppress my anger.

If I believe I’m submissive, I will not have a voice of my own.

If I believe I’m smart, I will need to always say the right things.

If I believe I’m beautiful, I will need him to show me off.

If I believe I’m spiritual, I will need him to hear my insights.

If I believe I’m strong, I will need him to be a victim.

If I believe I’m his best friend, I will need him to answer my e-mails.

If I believe I’m forgiving, I will need him to get angry at me.

If I believe I’m loving, I will need him to feel unworthy.

If I believe I’m understanding, I will need him to have a problem.


As I am walking home today I have the thought to stand on the bridge for a while and look at the river. It’s brown from the rain and not very appealing to the eye. As I look though I hear this mantra running through my head “leave everything you know behind” ( a line from David Whyte’s TILICHO LAKE). So I look again at the water, and this time leaving everything I know behind, i see the patterns in the water. They remind me of my skin and then i leave that behind. I bend my head so now it sees everything at an angle, it all looks like a painting, a live painting. I see the bank of the river, a patch of blue sky, beautiful white clouds, beautiful grey clouds, i see the trees on the river bank, i notice the little green spots on the branches. Then, behind the trees, the brown buildings, and then the hills behind them. and they’re all equal for a moment, frozen like a still picture. Of course, then another thought appears and it says “i never liked those brown buildings”. and i ask myself why. Why do I like the brown river more, or the blue sky more, or the cloudy sky more? And I see it’s because they are always changing. How beautiful change is. And then I realize that buildings change, just at a slower rate. And I think at how hard I have tried to stop change in my life. Why do i want to be more like the brown buildings than like the sky? I start walking again towards my home, and as life would have it, when I am about 5 minutes from home, it starts raining. And now I remember. It is this unpredictability that I don’t like. I am not dressed up for rain. What does change mean? I will get wet, I will have to change my clothes when I get home. For real? I start running and laughing at the same time. I am home in no time. It was not torrential rain. It was warm rain. It felt good to have it touch my cheeks and my hair. Change is not so bad after all. I love my changing mind. Until tomorrow.Image


The photo was taken from my husband’s blog


Ode to Dan Allender or to myself

Stained glass at St John the Baptist's Anglica...

Stained glass at St John the Baptist’s Anglican Church http://www.stjohnsashfield.org.au, Ashfield, New South Wales. Illustrates Jesus’ description of himself “I am the Good Shepherd” (from the Gospel of John, chapter 10, verse 11). This version of the image shows the detail of his face. The memorial window is also captioned: “To the Glory of God and in Loving Memory of William Wright. Died 6th November, 1932. Aged 70 Yrs.” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I grew up in a household that encouraged being nice and in church on Sunday mornings, and fighting the rest of the week (or so I thought).
I loved to hear the New Testament stories. I loved to hear about Jesus the rebel, the healer, the preacher, the God.
I made sure I had someone to worship at all times, and I was always looking for some Jesus to save me.
My dad once took me to a conference to see a great poet of Romania, Nichita Stanescu, and I got his autograph, yet he didn’t save me.
I craved knowing famous people, hoping one of them would be Jesus, hoping one of them would save me.
Most priests I have known in my life became my idols immediately, most authors on self-help books became my object of worship. Dan Allender was one of them. He wrote a book called “The wounded heart”. Someone in my church asked me to read it. I liked it. Couple years later I dared to fly to Arizona to go attend a conference on sexual abuse. Dan Allender was the speaker. I came out of the conference disappointed, I hadn’t been saved. Dan Allender was just a man. I did sign up for Mars Hill Graduate school’s (now The Seattle School) e-mail list though and one day it had a link to the blog of one of their alumni, Kayce Hughlett. Kayce had a list of books that she had read that year, and I decided to read some of them, just based on how the titles resonated with me (e.g Loving what is, Leaving the saints, I need your love, is that true?, A new earth).
I’ve been reading some of these books for more than a year now, and I noticed my mind expanding its limits. I had a problem with the church’s belief that the bible is the only inspired word of God, so it was somewhat easy for me to see these books as inspired by God. Paul writes in 2 Corinthians to demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ, but he doesn’t tell you how to do it. Byron Katie does in her book “Loving what is”.
Jesus would heal people sometimes by touching them. Now I learned to heal myself by doing Reiki to myself.
I dare to be an apostate. I dare to read books I would’ve considered false teachings just a few years ago. I dare not to go to church on Sunday mornings.
I dare to save myself. I dare to free my own mind of pain.
I even dare to say that Jesus, Dan Allender, and I are one and the same. Did Jesus save me? Sure. Did Dan Allender save me? Of course he did. Did I save me? You bet I did. I am my own savior.

“Power is given only to those who dare to lower themselves and pick it up. Only one thing matters, one thing, to be able to dare.” F. Dostoyevsky

Life and death are equal?


I am one of the people who likes to test for myself what other considered teachers are saying. I like to try different diets to see how my body feels after I eat, I like to try different spiritual practices to see which ones bring me peace. So today I went out for a walk to test one of Byron Katie’s sayings : “Life and death are equal in my experience.” Now this one was difficult for me to grasp; my family and I think most of the world don’t see these 2 as equal. I used to want to die as a child, but I don’t think it was because I loved death, but because I feared it, and wanted to die before anyone else in my family, so as not to experience the separation. I have a very strong connection to the trees and today they offered me a different perspective on death. I could see both life and death and they appeared equal. I could see how the live trees were providing a place to nest for the birds, and I could also see how the dead trees were providing food for the birds. I thought back to my grandparents who have passed away and remembered how I didn’t always listen to them when they were alive, but how I feel their influence now that their physical bodies are gone, how I do things like gardening because my grandpas enjoyed it or cooking the foods that my grandma cooked. It certainly feels that their spirit is much stronger in its silence than their actual words ever were.



PS My husband took the pictures today in a wooded area where we sometimes walk. The last picture has a pair of Carolina Wrens in it, the male on top of the log, and the female is in the crevice off to the right.